CRAP/ My Journal by Al Brathway

May 25th, Friday/ I channel surf alot. For whatever reason, I like it better than looking at the TV Guide. Everytime I do it and hit a cooking show, I stop to watch. Now I'm not a fan of cooking shows but I always stop when I see one. There is this one guy that always captures my attention. Have you ever seen this brother named G. Garvin? I swear, he tickles all the hell out of me. I like how he does it, "na-mean?" He got this LL Cool J thing goin' on that cracks me up. A quaffed and manicured brotha who is keeping Black America fat... He's like a walking oxymoron. Whatever my opinion of the show, that brotha makes me hungry! When he gets finished w/ his thing, the food looks sooo good, it makes me want to go to a Black cookout and slap some ribs and potato salad down my throat./ I plan to watch his show this weekend because it is Memorial Day weekend. Since I'm not invited anywhere, I'll watch his show and imagine I'm eating myself silly. Maybe I'll put on some rap music and imagine that I have a bunch of "rump shakers" dancing by my imaginary pool! Maybe I'll videotape the party and market it for BET! I'll call it "Black Folk Gone Wild" and become a billionaire. Then I'll "Pimp My Ride" (a'95 Lincoln) and videotape myself standing next to a "rented" Lear Jet and act like it's mine. I'll hit the black clubs and strip joints and throw one dollar bills around. I'll get cardboard cutouts of Black celebs and act like their my friends. I'll videotape myself at a jewelry store and pretend that I'm buying some "bling!" I'll create this whole "mogul" persona and then I'll be invited to go on "Oprah" so that she can validate me! Yeah Dawg! I'm gonna be a star! CRAP!

CRAP/ My Journal by Al Brathway

May 22nd, Tuesday/ Right now I am looking for work. I have a degree in English Literature and I have experience in basketball. I have traveled and soaked in other cultures. Yet, none of this shit counts towards me getting a job right now. I am frustrated and humiliated, yet my friends think I should do my best to maintain my sense of humor! (They must be sniffing crack! Maybe I should too...) Here is the thing about living in America that the terrorists don't understand. They think that I'm having the time of my life! They are jealous of me having the freedom to be out of work and can't pay my bills. They think that I have (had) the freedom to hobnob w/ the big boys at the World Trade Center and yuck it up everyday. They think that me and the policy makers of America meet for lunch and make decisions they don't care for. They want me to die by their hand because the Rhyme of the Ancient Mariner decision (Life in Death decision handed down to the sailors who killed the Albatross was that they had to live on their boat w/out the winds and could not move!) is not a good enough punishment for me! Wanna talk about hell? Paris Hilton can get a job before me and she has no secondary education, no experience, AND a record! How is that for torture? All I've ever done is grow up Black! (Are we having thunderstorms again today?) Here is where the fracture gets compounded. I have no job which means I can't afford a car. (Maybe I'll tell you about the experiences I've had w/ cars sometime.) So, w/out money and a car means I can't have a woman... So now I can't have sex. (I can't even buy it, which is what I would be doing even if I had a girlfriend anyway!) On top of all of this, I have to worry about terrorist plots and sleeper cells as well as the normal crime that takes place on the street because I don't have a car and have to wait for a bus or train or walk! AND, how can I even get a woman riding on a bus? (Have you seen the women who ride buses these days!)She's gonna know that I don't have any money riding on a bus at high noon. And what are the terrorists going to think while they are standing there, waiting for the bus, w/ me? (They'll think that I'm dispensible or course!) CRAP!

Ghetto Etiquette/ Commentary

No matter where you live, there is a certain protocol. Same rule applies to living in the ‘Hood. If you find yourself in the neighborhood, take note of the customs and try to blend in.

1.Walk All Over the Sidewalk/ Forget about walking to the right of the sidewalk. Just walk anywhere you want. It does not matter if people are coming towards you head on. Just walk right into them and be prepared to fight.

2.Just Stand on Staircases/ It does not matter if it is the entrance to the subway or the staircase to an apartment building. Just stand there and hold your conversations. So what if old people with bags are trying to get by you.

3.Bike Ride in Front of Moving Cars/ When on your bike, always ride in the street and don’t worry about the traffic. Take your time when crossing a street, especially when a car is trying to turn. It does not matter that road rage exists and people are impatient. You have the right-of-way.

4.Bad Language from Very Young Kids/ Do not be taken aback when very young kids use bad language. You have to remember that home training is not a priority in the ‘hood. A 5 year old calling you a “mothaf#$ka is not uncommon.

5.Impromptu Dancing/ Remember, at any time a party can break out in the street. When you see a customized Honda roll up with music blasting to the likes of 100 decipals, be aware that dancing can break out at any moment.

6.Pitbull Restrooms/ Understand that the streets of the ‘hood is the public restroom for pitbulls. You have to respect their right to use their restroom. Their owners do not have to clean them up because they are grown (the pitbulls) and they should not be humiliated in public.

The Hairstyle Lifestyle by Al Brathway/ Lifestyle Writer, MT

Chicago--- There is a new fashion statement sweeping the country! Actually it’s an old style from the sixties swinging back around. What goes around comes around! It’s the Afro! Have you seen the latest nappy styles lately? How about that getup Chicago Bulls' center Ben Wallace wears? What the hell is that? Having said that, I particularly like the style where he wears the headband like a beret and the back of his head looks like it is comb deprived. Of course there are other variations of the Afro. There are also wigs available if one’s hair cannot be of that magnitude.
What amazes me is that there seems to be no shame in the game. Men are walking around with their hair all over the place and it does not seem to bother the wearer. In the sixties, the brothers talked about going back to the bush. Now, in 2007, the bush has been brought back to the brothers! Who would have thought that Buckwheat would be at the forefront of fashion?